A for Effort?

This week's "How To": Permanently Scarring Your Children

Famous boxer, Floyd Mayweather, was arrested and charged with grand larceny (please continue reading and then explain to me what larceny has to do with anything) in an incident involving the mother of his 3 children.

Allegedly, Mayweather showed up early in the day inquiring about 30-year old Josie Harris' new boyfriend. When she refused to answer questions, Mayweather left only to return late that evening with a friend.

Harris says after waking her, he pulled her to the ground by her hair and punched her repeatedly in the back of the head. Two of the 3 children watched as Mayweather beat Harris and twisted her arm behind her back in an attaempt to break it. Mayweather allegedly told the children that if anyone ran or tried to call police, he would do that same to them.

Harris' 10 year old son ran to the back of the house to a separate building where a friend of Harris stays and the woman then called police, who arrived after Mayweather had already fled the scene (note- the kid has not been beaten to a pulp yet so Mayweather clearly does not stand by his threats... pussy).

The 33-year old former boxer was released on $3,000 bail and has not been charged with any domestic battery as of yet.

Evidently, someone forgot to tell Mayweather that this is a mugshot for beating a woman in front of her children, and not a damn photo shoot. I'm pretty sure after your arrest and fingerprinting, the cop doesn't yell "cheese!" when he takes the picture. Although I wouldn't know; if you want factual information go ask Lindsay Lohan and stop reading blogs as your source of news.

Geez, it's not like you have to watch it dad!

Laurence Fishburne's daughter, Montana, finally spoke to her famous dad for the first time on Monday since her X-rated debut in porn.

Daddy dearest isn't taking the career move lightly stating "I'm not going to speak with you 'till you turn your life around. You embarrassed me."

This is about the smartest 18 year old I know. I'm guessing she thought they'd chat about Vivid's newest XXX video over dinner and then maybe watch it together for some quality father-daughter bonding time. Because evidently she mistook him for John Phillips.

I don't know what Laurence is up in arms about anyway; it's not like she was dumb enough to use her real last name. Oh wait...

My career isn't quite shitty enough... pot anyone?

Here's Mischa Barton smokin some pot on a yacht in St. Tropez. This picture confused me for a number of reasons:

1. If pot gives you the munchies, why isn't she in the Sarah Silverman/Jessica Simpson club yet?

2. Am I high on pot? Because I can't remember the last time this bitch did anything relevant.

3. Who is letting this has-been on their yacht and giving her drugs? She's gotta be broke by now.

So many unanswered questions- on the upside, she has become the new spokesperson for those above the infuence commercials. I officially will not smoke pot for fear that all those people are right and it's a gateway drug to becoming Lindsay Lohan.

At least Jessica Simpson has a cute face

Here's not-so-funny girl Sarah Silverman filming a new movie in Toronto and looking a bit... yeahhh.

Most actresses, knowing they'll be filming a role in a bathing suit, would live on a diet of cigarettes and coffee for 2 months. I guess we should praise Sarah Silverman for going against the norm and letting women everywhere know that you don't have to be a size 2 to be beautiful.

Ha! Seriously, someone get this bitch some caffeine and newports before they film any nude scenes and our eyes are permanently scarred.

This just in... about a week ago because my life is more important than this shit.

And in world news, cocaine and adderol sales have plummeted unexpectedly in Los Angeles, California this week-

Whether you care or not (I'm going on a whim here and saying not) we all know that Lindsay was sentenced to a 90-day jail stay starting on July 20, 2010 as the result of 2 DUIs, excessive partying and violation of probation as well as setting off her very fashionable ankle bracelet during her stay at Cannes Film Festival.

Turns out, this spoiled ass will actually serve approximately 12-15 days in jail due to overcrowding.

I just hope she gets butt-fucked before then. Actually, that's no different from her usual Saturday night so... shit... I don't even know. Did they at least take away her duck-lip plumper and blackberry? Because that's justice.

Guess that... wait, is that a body part or a field of dead grass?

I've said it before and I'll say it agin... this bitch is rich! Like Charlie Murphy, Rick James, Dave Chappelle "I'm Rich Bitch!"

Britney Spears ventured out again looking like a white version of Harrisburg's mayor... only more ghetto if that's possible.

The only thing I can blame it on is the fact that she has children... which studies show can increase the chances of crazy and hair pulling by approximately 97% each month. It's science people; the spawn of Britney upskirt-vagina makes you go bat-shit crazy.

That or the fact the Kevin Federline swallowed an elephant a year ago and is still in better shape than you.