You look... different.

Here's Kelly Ripa walking in New York last week looking... fucking hideous? Is that accurate enough? I mean I just can't put it nicely... she looks like hell.

It's now been proven, that the camera does not add 10 lbs; it adds 10 lbs, hair conditioning treatment, a face lift, root touch-up, different shaped lips, eyebrows and all in all just makes you... John Travolta.

New Year's resolution- don't try to kill hookers.

Sounds easy enough, right? So he's a little late in the game but Charlie Sheen has decided to rid himself of $5 hookers forever. According to TMZ he's been busy at work (I'm sure it's safe to say not the acting kind) texting every porn star he's been with to tell them he's done:

"Among the messages Charlie has sent- 'Please lose number... we are closed... please drive through... thank you.' Another text reads, 'Right now we are on lock down.'"

Well, shit. I was way off on that forever estimate. I'm glad he's well aware that he's the biggest scum-bag sex addict on earth and makes sure those hookers know, it's just for "right now." Because hookers can't read between lines like that... hehe they're stupid!

The first time in my life I thought smoking pot was kind of... gay.

I really can't put my finger on what it is about Miley Cyrus that's ruining my life, but I'll start with her smoking pot.

1st off- cut the shit Miley, salvia? Really?

2nd- in no way are you cool enough to be smoking anything but a pole. Your dad's pole.

3rd- if there is a santa, you'll be smoking that shit in hell with Billy Mays by New Years.

Merry Xmas!

Zac and Vanessa split over argument about who has better hair

Ok I can't confirm that, you know, because I made it up. But if I had to bet money on the reason these two ended their 3-year relationship, I would bet my life savings on that headline. All 75 dollars of it.

Anyway, their reps say it was amicable; they remain friends... a bunch of other crap that celebrity reps always say.

Let's hope the real reason comes out sooner than later. Because I know I'm not the only one looking at his hair and thinking how awkward it must have been for Vanessa to walk in on him playing tummy sticks with Taylor Lautner.

Jessica Simpson?

Woops, sorry, wrong fatty. Here's Ke$ha thudding around a beach in Australia yesterday. I knew the girl couldn't sing, but she's not even bulimic? What is the world coming to?

Everyone knows people with brain damage can do whatever they want...

Adding one more step to the 12-step program that is "Becoming Britney Spears", here's Miley Cyrus with Brett Michaels. Hey, no big deal right? Wrong! More like one big jpeg of awesome! Tish Cyrus (Miley's whore of a mother) allegedly had an affair with the brain damaged rocker dying rocker brain damaged rocker, splitting up her marriage to Billy Ray and putting Miley one crotch grab and barefoot gas station trip away from crazy. Well done white trash, well done.

Forget the sexy angel; I'm going as an elephant next year.

To the left we have exhibit A: Amanda Seyfried dressed like a dog because she forgot she's a Hollywood actress and the mainstay rule on Halloween, you're supposed to be a slut.
To the right, exhibit B: Ryan Phillippe driving Seyfried home to presumably have sex with her, we can only hope, in the doggie-style position.

And that's true romance if I've ever seen it. I on the other hand dressed like a complete slut and did not come home with Ryan Phillippe or anyone who even remotely looked good or famous; I stumbled into my apartment with a candy and beer induced tummy ache and what I now believe to be herpes.