Oh. My. God.

Look, I tried taking it easy on Jessica Simpson for a few months because she was preggo, but you popped out one baby after 9 months of eating for a family of 10... get it together.

Her new Weight Watchers campaign will start airing soon and Jess is upset she's not losing weight as quickly as she thought she would. Really Jess? Did you think you were gonna pop out a 70 pound monster? Being VIP at McDonalds is a big step down from the red carpet-- perhaps if you can resist the urge to eat your own child for a few hours and grab a salad instead, you'd slim down a bit quicker.

But I'm no expert... I'm only a skinny person.

Slutty Slut Slut

Bitch you're not allowed to smile!!!

Here's Kristen Stewart at LAX yesterday smiling. Yep, the cheating SOB that broke every twi-hard's wet dream, Robert Pattinson, is smiling. She's also wearing one of his old t-shirts. Because that's what I do when I publicly embarrass myself, cheat on my live-in boyfriend with a married man, rip apart happy families and continue to have an acting career without any actual talent... I walk around in my ex's t-shirts and smile.

Someone get me a fucking wooden stake for this heartless whore.

I didn't think a name change could get any worse than Prince's... I was wrong.

Snoop Dogg has officially changed his name to... wait for it... Snoop Lion.
Yes, I said Snoop Lion... like rawr! I'm a lion! A man-eating king of the jungle who smokes a ton of weed and braids my mane into little piggy tails while throwing up gang signs and singing back-up for Katy Perry.
According to the NY Daily News:
"Rastafarian preists bestowed the new moniker Snoop Lion upon the music icon when he visited Jamaica in search of a 'new path'".
Snoop Lion stated that "I feel I have always been Rastafari. I just didn't have my third eye open, but it's wide open right now."

You know what else is wide open Snoop? The mouth of your dealer as he laughs hysterically at the fact that he sold you some sticky icky with some intense other shit mixed in... because being unbelievably high on a mixture of crack, heroin, meth and weed is the only explanation for this nonsense.

Snoop Lion... give me a fucking break.

Beyonce birthed something- someone give her a cookie

This past Saturday night, Jay-Z and Beyonce welcomed their first child, daughter, Blue Ivy Carter.

Rumors surfaced immediately after that Blue Ivy was helped along with a C-section, but according to TMZ, Jay and B released a statement assuring that the baby was born naturally "at a healthy 7 lbs and it was the best experience of both of our lives."

They also decided to add in that "her birth was emotional and extremely peaceful, we are in heaven."

Wait, peaceful? That's the word you chose to describe pushing a 7-pound object "naturally" out of your vag? I scraped my knee yesterday and there was nothing "peaceful" about it- it hurt like a bitch. If I had to come up with a word to describe childbirth, I would start with the listing under "worst fucking pain known to humanity" in the thesaurus and go from there.

Trouble in Paradis (I'm not missing an "e" it's a play on words a-holes)

According to RadarOnline, Johnny Depp has been meeting with lawyers due to an impending break up with his long-time girlfriend and kids' mother, Vanessa Paradis.

I assumed to keep the unmarveled beauty and talent of Johnny Depp around, you had to be some amazingly hot and heroin-skinny actress/model. Apparently I was wrong, about the whole "amazingly hot" thing. Spot on with the heroin though.

Does she have Dom Perignon and live football coverage leaking out of her vagina because if not, I am seriously confused right now...

Jessica Simpson Doesn't Understand Resolutions

A very pregnant and perpetually pudgy Jessica Simpson took to her Twitter a few days ago and expressed her goal for the new year tweeting:

" New goal: look like @jessicaalba after baby. Job well done lady!"

Jessica Alba humored the mom-to-be responding:

"-OMG! Ur so sweet! Thx hon!"

That's cute. What she doesn't quite realize is that popping out a 10 pound baby does not magically reverse the last 3 years of pizza and ice cream. Maybe next time, Alba can make herself useful and offer some sound dieting advice... or at least smack her everytime she attempts to eat her own baby.

Best anniversary gift ever!

Ashton Kutcher decided the best way to celebrate his 6th wedding anniversary to Demi Moore was to send ehr chocolates sleep with a nightclub whore.

According to Us Magazine, Kutcher allegedly invited Sara Leal and a friend back to his $2500/night hotel suite for a hot tub party and cheated on Demi, who was at home... in the kitchen... knowing her role.

The only surprise here is that it took him 6 whole years before he decided he was sick of the menopause symptoms. Can you even imagine how much this guy must jack off? Somewhere out there, Charlie Sheen is laughing right now. And snorting coke off the hooker he's about to physically abuse... but mostly laughing.

She ate a baby?!? Oh wait, no, she's pregnant. Sorry about that.

Jessica Simpson and her father Joe are in negotiations with a number of tabloids, including People magazine, over who gets to release the announcement of her pregnancy to fiance Eric Johnson. According to TheSuperficial.com, the star is reportedly asking for a $500,000 deal to announce the pregnancy and eventually the first baby photos.

Maybe it's just me but isn't $500,000 a little much to announce what everyone already knows- you're fat? If Jess wants to be shopping around for a $500,000 deal, maybe she should pitch something like "Jessica Simpson vows not to eat for 3 hours." Well, nevermind, you don't get the money if you can't actually keep from eating so, yeah...

Climbing up the bestseller's list one dumb American at a time...

Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian made an appearance in Santa Monica, California on Tuesday during a signing of their new book "Kardashian Konfidential."

I'm pretty sure there isn't much "konfidential" information in there. Having abnormally sized asses; eating ridiculously large meals while press pushing the idea that you're on a diet; staying with your douchebag baby daddy for a show; marrying the only man taller than you, a black basketball player; wanting to commit suicide everytime you look at your more attractive sister; not thinking of the pee soaked sex tape idea first... did I cover all of the chapter titles?

You look... different.

Here's Kelly Ripa walking in New York last week looking... fucking hideous? Is that accurate enough? I mean I just can't put it nicely... she looks like hell.

It's now been proven, that the camera does not add 10 lbs; it adds 10 lbs, hair conditioning treatment, a face lift, root touch-up, different shaped lips, eyebrows and all in all just makes you... John Travolta.

New Year's resolution- don't try to kill hookers.

Sounds easy enough, right? So he's a little late in the game but Charlie Sheen has decided to rid himself of $5 hookers forever. According to TMZ he's been busy at work (I'm sure it's safe to say not the acting kind) texting every porn star he's been with to tell them he's done:

"Among the messages Charlie has sent- 'Please lose number... we are closed... please drive through... thank you.' Another text reads, 'Right now we are on lock down.'"

Well, shit. I was way off on that forever estimate. I'm glad he's well aware that he's the biggest scum-bag sex addict on earth and makes sure those hookers know, it's just for "right now." Because hookers can't read between lines like that... hehe they're stupid!

The first time in my life I thought smoking pot was kind of... gay.

I really can't put my finger on what it is about Miley Cyrus that's ruining my life, but I'll start with her smoking pot.

1st off- cut the shit Miley, salvia? Really?

2nd- in no way are you cool enough to be smoking anything but a pole. Your dad's pole.

3rd- if there is a santa, you'll be smoking that shit in hell with Billy Mays by New Years.

Merry Xmas!

Zac and Vanessa split over argument about who has better hair

Ok I can't confirm that, you know, because I made it up. But if I had to bet money on the reason these two ended their 3-year relationship, I would bet my life savings on that headline. All 75 dollars of it.

Anyway, their reps say it was amicable; they remain friends... a bunch of other crap that celebrity reps always say.

Let's hope the real reason comes out sooner than later. Because I know I'm not the only one looking at his hair and thinking how awkward it must have been for Vanessa to walk in on him playing tummy sticks with Taylor Lautner.

Jessica Simpson?

Woops, sorry, wrong fatty. Here's Ke$ha thudding around a beach in Australia yesterday. I knew the girl couldn't sing, but she's not even bulimic? What is the world coming to?

Everyone knows people with brain damage can do whatever they want...

Adding one more step to the 12-step program that is "Becoming Britney Spears", here's Miley Cyrus with Brett Michaels. Hey, no big deal right? Wrong! More like one big jpeg of awesome! Tish Cyrus (Miley's whore of a mother) allegedly had an affair with the brain damaged rocker dying rocker brain damaged rocker, splitting up her marriage to Billy Ray and putting Miley one crotch grab and barefoot gas station trip away from crazy. Well done white trash, well done.

Forget the sexy angel; I'm going as an elephant next year.

To the left we have exhibit A: Amanda Seyfried dressed like a dog because she forgot she's a Hollywood actress and the mainstay rule on Halloween, you're supposed to be a slut.
To the right, exhibit B: Ryan Phillippe driving Seyfried home to presumably have sex with her, we can only hope, in the doggie-style position.

And that's true romance if I've ever seen it. I on the other hand dressed like a complete slut and did not come home with Ryan Phillippe or anyone who even remotely looked good or famous; I stumbled into my apartment with a candy and beer induced tummy ache and what I now believe to be herpes.

Totally getting me in the mood Spencer...

Because I'm in a heinous mood today- I want everyone else to be as well! What better way than to remind everyone that this is still happening, they're still getting attention and everyone else in the world looks at America as a combination of Snookis, Speidis and Kate Gosselins.

France isn't lookin so bad right about now...

Is that the thing from Star Wars?

Oh man, sorry I need new glasses. Anyway, here's Jessica Simpson continuing to clear a path of irrelevancy by eating?

Look I don't know either, I'm just trying to take stabs at why she keeps getting fatter. It's like the 8th wonder of the world.

Like trying to hide a building behind a wetnap

I don't know if you could tell by the infamous meat pouch that takes up the entire picture, but here's Kim Kardashian trying to hide the one thing she's famous for.

No not Ray-J... no not that other black guy... no not a face full of pee- ok trying to hide the other-other thing that made her famous.

I just really like how she uses her one hand to try and hide something the size of ground zero. If anything, she should be happy that the immense size of her ass makes her hand look super skinny. You go girl! I wish my hand was that skinny; what's your secret?

A for Effort?