Chris Brown's PR people are collectively committing suicide as we speak...

Because his newest single is out and he wants to butcher his record sales, Chris Brown released this statement to MTV News following Rihanna's interview with Diane Sawyer:

"While I respect Rihanna's right to discuss the specific events of February 8, I maintain my position that all of the details should remain a private matter between us," he said in the statement. "I do appreciate her support and wish her the best. I am extremely sorry for what I did, and I accept accountability for my actions. At this point, I am taking the proper steps to learn about me and grow from my mistakes. I only hope that others in similar situations can learn from our experience as well. Abuse of any kind is always wrong. The rest I leave it to God."

So after abusing his girlfriend, then showing remorse by partying and jet-skiing for a week, he decided to ice the cake by telling Rihanna to shut her mouth... why don't you just twitter about how Diane Sawyer is next up for a beat down and finger-biting while you're at it Chris? And I thought frappucino-crazed Britney was a publicist's worst nightmare.

Americans aren't the dumbest people in the world afterall...

Here's Britney Spears looking as cockeye-nippled as always, only this time, there's an air of Australian pissed-offness surrounding her after many concert goers walked out on Friday night mid-show asking for their money back. According to The Sunday Telegraph:

"Spears mimed most of her songs on stage, singing only on ballads... The lack of big screens - masking Spears' miming and taking the focus away from her rigid performance - left many in the cheap seats fuming. Fans complained that the US pop star spent large portions of the in-the-round show with her back to them."

Many in the audience complained that you wouldn't have been able to tell if it was even the real Britney on stage.

Look Australia, if you buy a ticket to a Britney Spears concert expecting anything more than her rolling around on the stage not wearing a bra and drinking frappucinos... well you're dumber than Americans. And we're going to make sure the French know about this.

Baahahahahaaaaa!


Wait, I'm not done yet... bahahahahahahahaaaaaaahhahahhahahahaaa!


A New Zealand based company has started using Hilton's image in their billboard advertisements, pissing off princess enough to get her lawyers involved.

According to the Sunday Star Times:

"Hilton's Los Angeles-based manager Jamie Freed said Wellington billboard company, Media5, had no permission to use Hilton's image, and they could expect to hear from Hilton's lawyers."

How can they say that's wrong? This is like using an image of genital herpes and writing "scary" across the top, it's just fact.

Who cares? He's the ugly one

Prince Harry and his on-again-off-again blonde, Chelsy Davy, were seen together at a London rugby match on Saturday.

Could this mean they're back on again? Or just using each other for fame/sex/pissing off granny?

Seeing as how no one cares about Harry because he's neither the cute one nor the one taking over as King, I think he should really knock Queen Mum's socks off and date someone like Amy Winehouse. I would literally have to shut down my blog because there could be nothing worth reporting ever again after that happened. Barmy!

Watch out Brad Pitt... you have some big competition, literally

Rosie O"Donnell went on Howard Stern the other day and decided to let the world know that she totally coulda hit Angelina pre-Brad.

"She gave me her phone number," O'Donnell recalls."We talked on the phone two or three times, but that was that . . .There was a tentative plan to have dinner that never came through."
"I was a little afraid of her. She's scary in a sexual kind of way. I have dreams about her a lot still."

Let me sum this up for you- Rosie O'Donnell sex dreams include Ange- Oh my god I just threw up... seriously. I need to go clean out my keyboard.

The Scariest F***ing Halloween Ever...

Here's Speidi dressed as Jon and Kate for Halloween. That makes sense, the only 2 reality stars the world hates more than Jon and Kate dress up as them for Halloween.


What's sad is this is the only picture where I've thought Kate Gosselin actually looks halfway decent.


Let's just hope Speidi stays on the pill or God has rendered her sterile, because if this came true, "Anorexic fame whore and devil albino beard + any number of disgusting satanic spawn", the reality series, will make me laugh at the Exorcist for how not scary it is in comparison.

Prisoners tortured through music... yeah, me too

Requests have been filed by the Close Gitmo Now organization and several famed musicians to release information on music used in interrogation at prisons and military detention centers.

Based on testimony from former prisoners, music ranging from Britney to AC/DC was used to literally drive interrogation victims crazy, and now bands like R.E.M. and Pearl Jam want the informaiton declassified so they know exactly whose music was used in the process.

Uh oh, government gots some 'splainin to do.

In all fairness, my car's a piece of shit and I have to listen to the radio everyday... what those prisoners are suing for isn't torture, it's America. Paris Hilton's album sold over 100,000 copies... enough said.