Friday, February 20, 2009

God created stylists for a reason

Dear Katy Perry,

I'm glad to see young Hollywood experimenting with different styles, however, next time Hello Kitty pukes all over your outfit, please don't throw a bunch of chains over top and wear it to the Brit Awards. Those Brits hate us enough now that Paris Hilton declared war by buying a house.


Boy did she have a headache the next day...

TMZ has posted this picture that they claim the LAPD have leaked onto the internet- this is Rihanna after the confrontation between her and Chris Brown. Damn.
(I would normally say something smartass or witty- but I literally have no words. Just damn.)

Thursday, February 12, 2009

If I don't post any new updates for a while- I'm standing outside Robert Pattinson's house

Robert Pattinson of the Twilight movie and seducer of underage girls everywhere actually takes his stalkers out to dinner- everything I just learned from "He's just not that into you" has gone out the window-

“I had a stalker while filming a movie in Spain last year,” Pattinson told Crème Magazine, as reported by England’s Press Association. “She stood outside of my apartment every day for weeks — all day every day. I was so bored and lonely that I went out and had dinner with her.”Unfortunately for the obsessed fan, Pattinson did not have the fairytale first date in store that the woman might have been hoping for.“I just complained about everything in my life and she never came back,” the 22-year-old said. “People get bored of me in, like, two minutes.” (MSNBC)

Obviously this girl just wasn't obsessed enough- haa poser! When you have a statue of Rob in your closet made of his old chewing gum and hair follicles, then you come talk to me. Just sayin'.

Playboy knows how to photoshop like I know how to drink... really well

Danity Kane ex-member, Aubry O'Day, is on the cover of this month's Playboy. I'm sad to say I ever watched one of Diddy's reality shows, but I did. I saw the damn show, I've seen the red carpets and drunk post-party pictures- Aubrey O"Day is so photoshopped on this cover it's not even funny. Next they're going to start getting chinese people to do caricatures instead. Thankfully for people like Nicole Ritchie, their head's already too big in proportion so it'll look normal, if not better.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

President? What President?

Vogue has switched from leggy models in couture to historic first ladies as Michelle Obama graces the cover this March. The photo was shot by Annie Leibovitz (you know her from the Miley Cyrus topless shoot- great judgement) in the same hotel the Obamas stayed in leading up to the inauguration.
Finally a first lady who looks enough like an actual woman that we can put her on the cover of Vogue; this country just gets better and better.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Rihanna Update

What exactly happened Sunday night pre-Grammys is still somewhat a mystery- but the more information that comes out, the more it seems Chris Brown is going to be some guy's bitch while he's sitting in jail.
Police confirmed that Rihanna has suffered 2 huge contusions on both sides of her forehead, a busted lip and bloody nose as well as bite marks (say what?) on both her arms and a few fingers.
Rihanna claims that Chris struck her with his fists and that's what's caused the majority of the damage. Police also took pictures at the scene that are quoted as being "horrific" and "devastating proof of abuse". One law enforcement officer compared Rihanna's injuries to "an MMA fighter or something… [It] looked like she was growing devil's horns."
Rihanna refused to go the hospital at the scene of the crime but did go later on Sunday. She is said to be back home in Barbados right now cancelling upcoming performances and getting the support she needs from friends and family.
In the meantime, Doublemint gum has dropped Chris Brown from their advertisements and he's awaiting his fair trial for the incident after posting $50,000 bail.
Poor Rihanna! If it makes her feel any better, he'll be much worse off where he's headed... and if you don't take subtleties- I mean his a-hole is going to be a bigger contusion than Rihanna's forehead. He should work on getting some lube advertisements before jailtime- he's gonna need it.

For the people that attended the Grammys rather than beating their girlfriend...

Last night's Grammys had some amazing performances, and then there was Estelle and Kanye West's usual musical debauchery. But no matter what type of music you're a fan of, you have to give credit to some astounding collaborations and representation from every genre.
One performance that really stood out was Grammy award-winning band Radiohead. If you have never heard a Radiohead track or album, first turn to your neighbor and ask them to kick you in the face, then go to this link and school yourself:

Sunday, February 8, 2009

He sings! He dances! He beats women! Heeeeeere's Chris Brown everybody!

Grammy golden couple, Rihanna and Chris Brown both missed the show and their performances for music's biggest night. But the story of why they were absent is what's really causing a stir among the entertainment world.
After leaving (and looking very happy) Clive Davis' annual pre-Grammy party, a witness saw an argument escalate between R&B singer Chris Brown and an unidentified woman (allegedly girlfriend Rihanna). After Brown pulled the car over, the altercation spilled out onto the street where sources say the woman (that E! News identifies as Rihanna) had visible facial injuries, and identified Brown as her attacker.
Rihanna's spokesperson would only say that she missed her performance due to a "traffic mishap" and says "thank you for your concern and support."
Brown, 19, was booked at the Wilshire station around 6:30 p.m. on suspicion of felony domestic battery. His bail was set at $50,000 and he remains in custody at this time.
On a serious note, which is rare for me, this is pretty shocking and sad. If it turns out that this is actually what happened, good luck finding a Chris Brown fan after today.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

This year's Grammy's- like Discovery Health with better music

A very pregnant MIA confirms that she'll be performing at the upcoming Grammy's despite the fact that her due date is literally the night of the event. Talk about a "wow" factor. This blows Janet Jackson's nipple slip way out of the water.

Breaking News Story!!!

The 2 most irrelevant people in Hollywood are now engaged. Claire Danes and Brit bf Hugh Dancy have been dating since they filmed 2007's Evening. You wouldn't know that because nobody saw it, or knows who he is. Well at least they have that going for them. Good luck kids.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Our Favorite Fatty is now pathetic as well... send cards

Grand Rapids, Michigan got way more than they paid for when Jessica Simpson came to town.
Jess started her set stating "my voice is weak tonight... and I feel so vulnerable onstage."
She then had to restart a song after forgetting the lyrics (damn those writers) mouthing "sorry" to the audience the entire time, and also had some trouble with her earpiece (which is what you tell everyone when you're preoccupied with your own thighs and forget the words to your own song).
She allegedly ended the performance by walking off stage in tears.
I really feel for ya Jess. Look on the brightside, if you get any fatter, you can start acting crazy and live on frappuccinos and cigarettes for a while until you can stage a comeback bigger than Britney's! Holy hell, I'm a genius. I should coach Heidi and Spencer.

Bong Backlash Begins... well, sort of

The Olympic douche extraordinaire is finally feeling the burn in his throat from the bong hit heard round the world.
USA Swimming has released this statement:

USA Swimming has reprimanded Michael Phelps under its Code of Conduct by withdrawing financial support and the eligibility to compete for a period of three months effective today, Feb. 5, 2009.
This is not a situation where any anti-doping rule was violated, but we decided to send a strong message to Michael because he disappointed so many people, particularly the hundreds of thousands of USA Swimming member kids who look up to him as a role model and a hero.

Even before this happened, cereal giant Kellogg's decided not to back the stoner either:

"We originally built the relationship with Michael, as well as the other Olympic athletes, to support our association with the U.S. Olympic team. Michael's most recent behavior is not consistent with the image of Kellogg. His contract expires at the end of February and we have made a decision not to extend his contract."

Well Mike, look at it this way, the suspension ends around 4/20, that's gonna be a great way to leave off. I'd suggest some special brownies, shroom it up a little, and then munch out on all the General Mills cereal you can find since Kellogg's obviously doesn't like to party.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Tom Cruise: Crazy in '07, Stupid in '09

So Tom Cruise and fam travelled to Brazil to promote his new Nazi movie (how fitting) and while there, Tom paid close attention to the surrounding culture in hopes to learn more about the people and also make them hate Americans more than they already do. Page Six reports:

During a press event for Valkyrie, Cruise attempted to win over reporters by saying hola (hello) and gracias (thank you), failing to realize that Brazilians speak Portuguese, not Spanish.
To add insult to injury, Cruise also said he fell in love with Brazil while watching movies about samba and tango, unaware that tango is a dance from Argentina.

Great job Tom. At least he didn't jump on any couches in the press room yelling like some crazy hobo on acid about loving his wife, and Nazis... oh he did? Well, shit.

Kristen Stewart is probably the best actress in the world

After the Michael Phelps incident which left him... oh wait, not dropped by any sponsors and actually cooler than he was before, it's plain to see America loves the reefer.
Kristen Stewart is about as American as they come, eh? Earlier in September photos surfaced of Kristen sitting on a porch smoking, what looked like, a bowl. Now "Bella" from Twilight has her favorite plant nonchalantly placed on her bikini.
Now all I need is your secret to staying thin when you always have the munchies...

An improvement... but still no Justin Timberlake

Here's Backstreet Boy, Nick Carter, dishing to People magazine about his 10-year addiction to drugs and alcohol that lead to a weak heart and a turnaround.

And just for fun, here's a picture from the photo spread that shows just how many crunches he's been doing.
Daaaayum... Nick's lookin a lot better these days. I used to put him on the same level as Howie and AJ but you know he's almost up to a Lance Bass now... minus the gay.

Lady Gaga is a real trendsetter

Here's the always eccentric and definitely always cold, Lady Gaga, at Koko Nightclub in London. Perez Hilton asks what we think of her lavender hypothermia inspired lip color?
I say does it really matter, this bitch isnt wearing pants.

Faye Dunaway & Etta James should start a hate group

Seen here at the premiere of "Cadillac Records" in which Beyonce played the legendary Etta James, the 2 songbirds looked like the best of friends--- backstabbing, jealous friends who now talk shit behind each other's backs. Uh huh, that's what she said...
While performing at a concert in Seattle last week, Etta just "gushed" about Beyonce singing a rendition of her song "At Last" for the inauguration of President Obama:

"I tell you that woman he had singing for him, singing my song, she gonna get her ass whupped," James told an audience at the Paramount Theatre, sarcastically calling her "The great Beyoncé."I can't stand Beyoncé," adding that she "had no business ... singing my song that I been singing forever."

Then she proceeded to show her enthusiastic patriotism saying,

"You know your President, right? You know the one with the big ears? He ain't my President."
I'll give the old geezer some credit, they let Aretha Franklin show up wearing a bedazzled frying pan to sing for Obama and wouldn't let Etta? But in the wise words of Hilary Duff "I might be mad if I looked like that now, too".
Besides, Obama only wanted to look at Beyonce's ass; I mean have you seen Michelle's? No... because it's not there kids.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Security? Now that's just disrespectful...

The Bad Boy himself and way overrated rapper, P. Diddy, was set to host a bday party for DJ Clue at M2 night club in Manhattan... until he found out he couldn't bring his gat. The nerve...
“He went nuts, saying, ‘Why are you disrespecting me like this? Why are you doing this to me?" says one eyewitness.

NBA stars like Kobe Bryant were in attendance celebrating a win over the New York Knicks, so security was high and Diddy wasn't havin' it.

The witness said Diddy “stormed off and started to text DJ Clue asking, ‘What the [bleep] is going on?’ and asked if he could go in the back entrance.” When he was denied, he just left.

Don't worry Diddy, I'm sure when Plaxico's birthday comes there'll be plenty of 9mm handguns to go around. Just watch those baggy pants, they don't make a good holster.

America just got a thousand times cooler

After a short stint with the AC Milan soccer team, Beckham might be looking for an escape clause in his current contract with the L.A. Galaxy. The LA Times reports:
"Milan will do everything to have Beckham even after March. It is clear that it's our wish to have him until the end of the season [May 31] or on a permanent deal.
"The Galaxy has insisted that Beckham must return by March 9 for the beginning of the Major League Soccer season, and Galliani admitted that the MLS club is fully within its rights in doing so.
"There's always a hope, but contracts should be honored," he said. "If the Galaxy wants to talk, we would be very happy to try. But . . . they are in the right. Beckham must return to America on March 9. Let's wait."

Wait, wait, wait... you mean to tell me that not only did Paris Hilton just buy a house in London after her British BFF filming, but now the Beckhams are on their way out too?? Hey Miley... Europe is looking pretty sweet right now, and they totally don't care about topless photos and Asian discrimination. How bout it?

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

This year's Grammy's: the most annoying yet

Young and questionably talented singers Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift will be performing a duet at the upcoming Grammy's. The two told Ryan Seacrest this morning:
"If you listen to the song, I think the lyrics are very inspiring. A lot of girls are inspired by us. So I think this song is kind of very much like giving our advice and showing how powerful you can be if you have a good friend."
Just what young girls need... advice from a 19-yr old fake country star about love after she got dumped in a 20 sec. phone convo, and a 16-yr old that likes to pose topless and make fun of Asians.
I'd rather my kids look up to Lindsay Lesbo Lohan.

Britney gets skinny, Starbuck's goes broke-- coincidence? I think not

Amid the global economy crisis- guess whose profits almost doubled since last year--- McDonald's. Only in fat ass America.
Now Starbuck's wants in on the action, coming out with breakfast combo value meals that won't wreck your wallet; named after their inspiration- Britney's belly!
No that wasn't true, but you and I both know they were sitting in the board room talking about Britney's comeback plummeting their sales. Rope her back in... she just cant resist those frappuccinos ya'll.

Uh, cool outfit...

Gwyneth Paltrow had an interesting interview with Elle UK in which she talks about the divorce rumors surrounding her marriage to the Coldplay singer who looks like he's homeless most of the time.

On her marriage to Chris Martin:

"It doesn't behoove us to be a public couple. He certainly doesn't want to be that. We've never ever walked down a red carpet together, we never will. If people think that that means we're not together, then – ha ha ha! – so be it."

On some less important stuff nobody cares about:

"Fuck the haters! I saw this blog of people writing horrible things about me and for a second your ego is so wounded. How could people hate me, my intentions or what I’m trying to do? I’m a good person and I’m trying to put good things into the world."

"Fuck the haters"... I mean I couldn't have said it better myself... but I wasn't wearing that outfit when I said it.
Nothing you put in the world while wearing that outfit could be good... nothing.

Slow news day... someone dyed their hair

Here's Scarlett Johansson at the premiere of her new movie He's Just Not That Into You (her's and every other Hollywood actress's... how many people were in this damn movie?) and she has... brace yourself... gone brunette.
Okay, I'll give you some credit; you look better than Alanis Morissette. But you're still not cute enough to be marrying Ryan Reynolds.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Bruce Springsteen almost dies during superbowl performance... or at least I thought he was going to

Bruce Springsteen totally rocked the crowd at Superbowl 43... if you're 65 and over and your idea of dressing up includes your depends and your house slippers with the rubber souls.

What happened to the wholesome, good old fashioned, family-friendly halftime show?

Miley sucky sucky five dolla

Go figure- Miley takes a picture and it turns into a media shit storm.
Here's the role model with a group of friends, including underwear model boyfriend Justin Gaston, slanting their eyes allegedly making fun of Asians.
The OCA (a group for the equality of Asian Pacific Americans) and the Asian American Justice Center are not happy, both agreeing that the pictures are offensive and Miley shouldn't act this way as a role model to young people.
Okay, so she takes MySpace underwear pics, topless Vanity Fair pics and flashes some underage side boob but when she makes silly faces- HIDE YOUR CHILDREN!

After thought: please notice the 1 Asian person in the photo opening his eyes about as much as he can... I don't know about you, but I'm offended. I'm American and can barely open my eyes that wide.

Oh no she didn't!

Here's the once-could-have-been vice prez, Sarah Palin, leavin da club-- I mean going to the Alfalfa Club Annual Banquet that she was personally invited to by President Obama. Because nothing says I'm still trying to stay in the spotlight like a pair of cheap-looking faux leather f*ck me boots, dont'cha know.

Monica Lewinsky's got nothin on this

California's Ali Campoverdi, a Maxim model and TV reality ho on For Love or Money, is currently an assistant for President Obama's Chief of Staff. At least if we have another Clinton on our hands, we won't throw up in our mouths at the thought of them gettin' it on.

Michael Phelps finally gets some street cred

The man, the myth, the 8-medal winning legend best known for his terrible acting in commercials and desperate attempts at making America believe he listens to Lil Wayne, actually looks cool for the first time in his life. Here's the rap enthusiast at the University of South Carolina at Columbia allegedly visiting a girl he was seeing. He arrived at a party with her and other girls, knocked back a few beers and of course took the bong hit that coughed him out of the 2012 Olympics. What's better is the partygoers described him as loud and obnoxious while slamming beers with them one after the other. Evidently 8 medals and shitty commercials aren't enough for the ugly and insecure. Great job Michael Phelps, or can we just call you gangsta now?