Monday, September 28, 2009

Can you just OD already?

So despite owing thousands for lent out jewelry that was supposedly "stolen" from her house, and then rumored to be getting sued over owing car rental fees to a company, Lindsay Lohan decides she's still cool enough to piss off famous people, not just the lowly people who wait on her retarded ass.
The former actress decided that in order to host the F1 Rocks in Singapore, featuring some big names in music, she needed to have the largest dressing room, so she could fill the bathtub with coke, or something along those lines (ha! get it, lines).
Well Beyonce, who actually does things, instead of just putting them up her nose, showed up Saturday with a huge entourage and security team to kick Lindsay out of the suite.
In all fairness, did Beyonce really need to diva her way into the room? All she had to do was hand Lohan a bag of baby powder and she would have gladly left, no questions asked.

Dita Von Teese vs. Lady Gaga's penis: which is more confusing?

Famous burlesque dancer and sex symbol, Dita Von Teese, is the new face of wonderbra after creating her own line of old-fashioned lingerie.
I just don't get her. I mean, I get it; she looks ok in a bra, better than I do and her's are even real... but she dated Marilyn Manson. Not only that, but she looks like a girl who would date Marilyn Manson. I just don't see the sexy in that. I don't think I'm being too hard on him, am I? He had boobs and a penis at the same time. The logistics of it are just baffling.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Fake bachelor party before fake wedding forreal cancelled

Lamar Odom of the LA Lakers, and publicity stunt fiance for one of those huge-assed Kardashians, cancelled his bachelor party at the last minute, despite it being planned by the "Girls Gone Wild" guy... wtf?
Odom released a statement to TMZ:
"I am extremely thankful to Joe Francis and Rob Kardashian, for agreeing to host my bachelor party this evening at Hollywood hot spot Les Deux. I regret, I will have to cancel this event because I have now decided to have a private dinner with my teammates, a few close friends and of course Joe Francis and Rob Kardashian."
Well that's a relief- I heard Kim was going to be one of the strippers and as soon as "Shake Ya Ass" started, there would have been a death toll.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

What's gayer than a soap opera?

According to In Touch Weekly (and don't get too upset, because how reliable is In Touch Weekly?) Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson will finally confirm their relationship, along with steamy photo shoot, this December for Harper's Bazaar.

More importantly, keep an eye on your children come December, as the suicide rate in annoyingly obsessive teenagers will immediately skyrocket.

Christmas come early!

It's about time this bitch got fat and made me feel good about myself.

Since she and hubby, Tom Brady, have yet to actually confirm she's prego, I'm sticking with the theory that she just put on 30 pounds for the hell of it. And tomorrow, God will make me 5'10", 100 lbs and a millionaire.

God works in mysterious ways...

You mean they can't airbrush the shit out of my real body?

Former Danity Kane singer and current playboy skank, Aubrey O'Day, decided to cancel her 2nd appearance for Vegas' Peepshow.

She realized after the first show that she was fat and not nearly as cute as Holly Madison. And that's not even the sad part! After finding out that her understudy would be taking over from here... a whopping 2 people asked for refunds. Ouch.

Maybe next time you see Holly, you should get lessons on how to suck on old balls. I used to give out career advice professionally; trust me on this one.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

I blame Alanis Morrisette

According to the Detroit News, David Coulier owes about $50,000 in state and federal back taxes.

Turns out the IRS filed for about $37,000 in March last year followed by California filing for over $11,000 this past May.

Are you trying to tell me that he can't just Rocky and Bullwinkle his way out of this one, because that shit always worked on DJ and Stephanie when they were mad.

Uncle Jessie would never do something like this... never.

Aaah... young love

Avril Lavigne has decided after 3 years of marriage to Sum 41's Deryk Whibley, it's time to file for divorce.
So you got married at 22 and it didn't work out? I, for one, am shocked.
Unless these 2 robbed Lindsay Lohan's house, shoved pills down Burt Reynolds throat and then interrupted Taylor Swift's acceptance speech all in one night, they are irrelevant and therefore, I don't give a shit...
Moving on.

Just because you wear nice sweaters doesn't mean you don't smoke crack

Amy Winehouse was spotted on Thursday in central London with a new man, probably named Blake, but who knows for sure.

I definitely thought my Gaydar was on point until I saw this one, although I'm not counting it out yet. A popped collar AND tweezed eyebrows...

Unless she's sticking the crackpipe up his ass after they've smoked it, I'm not buying.

What'd you expect him to wear... a wife-beater?

Chris Brown finally got on twitter today to formally admit to and apologize for beating his girlfriend brag about how cool community service is!
First he tweeted "On my way to community service..." followed by "check out my outfit" with a sweet pic of his new work clothes.
I'm glad to see Chris really dressing the part of a remorseful ex-boyfriend... I'm sure every black man in America who hasn't been convicted of abuse is really happy about you giving them a good name. Power to the people.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Jessica Simpson's dead dog has a higher I.Q. than her... after it died

Jessica Simpson still believes that after being snatched by a coyote, her dog, Daisy, is still alive and will be brought home. TMZ states:

"Jessica has been in touch with a lost dog-finding service called -- a company that power dials 1000 of Jessica's closest neighbors in Encino, California to alert them about Simpson's situation. Sources close to the situation claim Jess is still "praying" for the dog, but she knows the "odds are against" her. We're told Jessica is still clinging to hope, because Daisy is "fast" .... and may have seized an opportunity to bolt from her captor".

Yeah... hey Jess, you know who else is fast?

Tony Romo... and I'm not talking about on the field.

And if that doesn't work, you could always beat the childhood out of him with your belt...

Joe Jackson has suggested to TMZ that Kanye be blackballed from the entertainment industry after his behavior at the VMAs, stating:

"I don't know what he was doing, he jumped up on stage and snatched that microphone out of that poor girl's hand. They should blackball him out of show business for that. He just leapt up there, that was bad. I had just gotten through speaking to him, he was introducing me to his girlfriend, and then three minutes later he jumped up on stage. And people booed Kanye all night"

I think we're all in agreement that Kanye is a jackass (word choice courtesy of Obama), but Joe Jackson saying we should blackball Kanye for making Taylor cry is like Vick saying we should blackball the coyote that stole Jessica Simpson's dog.

Vick not only kills dogs... but all chances of future child support

Prego's husband Hank Baskett, 27, was let go from the Eagles's 53 man roster yesterday to make room for Michael Vick to begin practice.

Hey Baskett, how'd that slap across the face feel?

If nothing else, this whole situation really reinforces football players as role models... now if you'll excuse me, I have to go buy some dogs, cages and soundproof walls for my basement, because I totally understand how Karma works now.

Perhaps you could pick up Amy on the way?

After Wacko Jacko went 6 feet under, it seems a lot more celebs are in tune to their addiction problems now.

Burt Reynolds has just checked into a rehab facility for his addiction to prescription pills he received after back surgery.

His manager states "Mr. Reynolds hopes his story will help others in a similar situation".

I think the only way his situation would help others is if people actually cared anything about Burt Reynolds anymore. In fact the only reason I posted about it was because of this great picture of him I found online... awesome.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

At least Kanye still has 1 admirer

Hey, remember at the end of Jay-Z's VMA performance when Lil Mama appeared out of no where to round out the finale?

Yeah, me either... but I guess since she was never invited to sing... oh, what was it... Lipgloss, on stage at the VMAs, she'd do the next best thing.

According to Lil Moron Mama, she meant no disrespect toward Jay-Z and Alicia Keys but "Empire State of Mind had my emotions running high. In that moment I came up onstage to celebrate my two icons singing about NY".

It's pretty sad when your music sucks so much, you have to jump on stage and try to take credit for other artists' music. I wish she would have taken inspiration from Gaga's performance and... well, you can finish that one.

That's what you get for buying a dog that's not pure bred

Jessica Simpson has been a busy girl putting up fliers of
her now missing Malti-poo Daisy, who was taken by a coyote of all things. Jess twittered:

"My heart is broken because a coyote took my precious Daisy right in front of our eyes. HORROR! We are searching. Hoping. Please help!"

Is it a coincidence that everyone in Jessica's life leaves her?

No, it's because she made a country album.

What kind of dancing do I do now?

Patrick Swayze passed away at the age of 57 after a long and public battle with cancer.
Rest in peace Johnny Castle. And you know, it could be a lot worse. At least Michael Jackson didn't die today.

If it makes my tummy hurt, does that make it art?

Leave it to Lady "I'm hiding my Disco Stick" Gaga to pull out all the stops for her performance at this year's VMAs. The "Paparazzi" performance left the audience a little queasy with a finale featuring blood and Gaga's lifeless body hanging until the lights faded. After several outfit changes, including an Eskimo/dog chain number, a full face-covering lace garment and of course feather collars and gold eye-patches, I don't know why anyone would be stunned at a little blood.

I love Gaga, but she could perhaps tone it down a bit... we get it, you're artistic and weird. But I don't think looking like a used tampon is what they meant by avant-garde. But what do I know, I shop at Forever21 and they don't understand that menstrual cycles is the new black.

Kanye West... doesn't care... about white people

In what can only be described as the only reason I watch the VMAs, Kanye West did not disappoint as he decided to drunkenly take the stage in the middle of Taylor Swift's acceptance speech, to throw a hissy fit about Beyonce's video not winning.

He grabbed the mic from the 17-year old 1st time winner proclaiming "I'm sorry, but Beyoncé had one of the best videos of all time".

In all fairness, his date was Lucipher the serphent himself, I mean when you come with that kind of company, something evil is bound to happen. I do however disagree with Satan and Kanye's taste in music; maybe Beyonce wouldn't have to sing songs for all the single ladies if she didn't encourage them to "pat their weave" while dancing in the first place. Admitting you're practically bald will not get you a man, or put a ring on it.

Jon - Kate + 8 + babysitter/pot smoking new girlfriend= Kate Gosselin doesn't get paid enough

Kate Gosselin, who by the way, gets paid $75,000 per episode of Jon & Kate, decided while co-hosting The View, that's just not enough.
After ignoring her half the show, Joy Behar finally decided to bring her into the conversation by asking her questions about the show she likes to pretend she hates:
In response to Behar's question about how she could place her life in front of TV cameras, Gosselin said it was a different story for the first five seasons. Things were "innocent." Now, however, things can't stop, she said - and, as a single mother, she needs the paycheck."Do they pay you enough?" asked Behar."Is anybody paid enough?" answered Gosselin.
I don't know Kate, I guess making over a million a year while still getting free products from advertisers, sponsorships and still bitching when your food stamps expire so you get half your groceries paid for just isn't enough. Unless each of your children has their own pony or roller coaster, I really don't know where all that money is going to. I mean, it's obviously not going to your hairdresser.

Lady Gaga has a Disco Stick

After a sighting at Glastonbury Festival, there have been a lot of rumors poking around (bahaa) that Lady Gaga is packing more than just lady bits in those costumes.
The gossip sight Bossip maintains that they quoted (although it hasn't been confirmed) her saying:
"It’s not something I’m ashamed of, I just don't go around telling everyone,” she said (supposedly). “I have both male and female genitalia, but I consider myself female. It’s just a little bit of a penis and doesn’t interfere much with my life."
Just a little bit of a penis? Really? Like I have a little bit of a headache? I'm just a little bit hungry? Well next time you're a little bit hot and heavy and the guy reaches down a little bit and feels what may or may not be a little bit of a penis... I just pray you're not with Danny Bonaduce, because he'll Chris Brown your ass no problem.

Kim gets back at Reggie... by becoming a WWF wrestler

Evidently Kim Kardashian has started using a new weight loss product (which of course always work) and decided to get the ad campaign started early by twittering with pics from the photo shoot:

"U can get Quick Trim now It works! Check out my twitpics! I lost my last 6 lbs fast & toned up! Loving QUICK TRIMDon't kill me @NickSaglimbeni 4 posting snapshots of our shoot, they aren't photoshopped yet, but who needs it! Quick Trim baby! Go get it!Quick Trim DOES A BODY GOOD!"

I used to think Kim looked really great, but now she looks like she could kill me in more ways than just pointing her ass in my general direction.