Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Beyonce birthed something- someone give her a cookie

This past Saturday night, Jay-Z and Beyonce welcomed their first child, daughter, Blue Ivy Carter.

Rumors surfaced immediately after that Blue Ivy was helped along with a C-section, but according to TMZ, Jay and B released a statement assuring that the baby was born naturally "at a healthy 7 lbs and it was the best experience of both of our lives."

They also decided to add in that "her birth was emotional and extremely peaceful, we are in heaven."

Wait, peaceful? That's the word you chose to describe pushing a 7-pound object "naturally" out of your vag? I scraped my knee yesterday and there was nothing "peaceful" about it- it hurt like a bitch. If I had to come up with a word to describe childbirth, I would start with the listing under "worst fucking pain known to humanity" in the thesaurus and go from there.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Trouble in Paradis (I'm not missing an "e" it's a play on words a-holes)

According to RadarOnline, Johnny Depp has been meeting with lawyers due to an impending break up with his long-time girlfriend and kids' mother, Vanessa Paradis.

I assumed to keep the unmarveled beauty and talent of Johnny Depp around, you had to be some amazingly hot and heroin-skinny actress/model. Apparently I was wrong, about the whole "amazingly hot" thing. Spot on with the heroin though.

Does she have Dom Perignon and live football coverage leaking out of her vagina because if not, I am seriously confused right now...

Jessica Simpson Doesn't Understand Resolutions

A very pregnant and perpetually pudgy Jessica Simpson took to her Twitter a few days ago and expressed her goal for the new year tweeting:

" New goal: look like @jessicaalba after baby. Job well done lady!"

Jessica Alba humored the mom-to-be responding:

"-OMG! Ur so sweet! Thx hon!"

That's cute. What she doesn't quite realize is that popping out a 10 pound baby does not magically reverse the last 3 years of pizza and ice cream. Maybe next time, Alba can make herself useful and offer some sound dieting advice... or at least smack her everytime she attempts to eat her own baby.