Friday, September 7, 2012

Oh. My. God.

Look, I tried taking it easy on Jessica Simpson for a few months because she was preggo, but you popped out one baby after 9 months of eating for a family of 10... get it together.

Her new Weight Watchers campaign will start airing soon and Jess is upset she's not losing weight as quickly as she thought she would. Really Jess? Did you think you were gonna pop out a 70 pound monster? Being VIP at McDonalds is a big step down from the red carpet-- perhaps if you can resist the urge to eat your own child for a few hours and grab a salad instead, you'd slim down a bit quicker.

But I'm no expert... I'm only a skinny person.

Slutty Slut Slut

Bitch you're not allowed to smile!!!

Here's Kristen Stewart at LAX yesterday smiling. Yep, the cheating SOB that broke every twi-hard's wet dream, Robert Pattinson, is smiling. She's also wearing one of his old t-shirts. Because that's what I do when I publicly embarrass myself, cheat on my live-in boyfriend with a married man, rip apart happy families and continue to have an acting career without any actual talent... I walk around in my ex's t-shirts and smile.

Someone get me a fucking wooden stake for this heartless whore.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

I didn't think a name change could get any worse than Prince's... I was wrong.

Snoop Dogg has officially changed his name to... wait for it... Snoop Lion.
Yes, I said Snoop Lion... like rawr! I'm a lion! A man-eating king of the jungle who smokes a ton of weed and braids my mane into little piggy tails while throwing up gang signs and singing back-up for Katy Perry.
According to the NY Daily News:
"Rastafarian preists bestowed the new moniker Snoop Lion upon the music icon when he visited Jamaica in search of a 'new path'".
Snoop Lion stated that "I feel I have always been Rastafari. I just didn't have my third eye open, but it's wide open right now."

You know what else is wide open Snoop? The mouth of your dealer as he laughs hysterically at the fact that he sold you some sticky icky with some intense other shit mixed in... because being unbelievably high on a mixture of crack, heroin, meth and weed is the only explanation for this nonsense.

Snoop Lion... give me a fucking break.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Beyonce birthed something- someone give her a cookie

This past Saturday night, Jay-Z and Beyonce welcomed their first child, daughter, Blue Ivy Carter.

Rumors surfaced immediately after that Blue Ivy was helped along with a C-section, but according to TMZ, Jay and B released a statement assuring that the baby was born naturally "at a healthy 7 lbs and it was the best experience of both of our lives."

They also decided to add in that "her birth was emotional and extremely peaceful, we are in heaven."

Wait, peaceful? That's the word you chose to describe pushing a 7-pound object "naturally" out of your vag? I scraped my knee yesterday and there was nothing "peaceful" about it- it hurt like a bitch. If I had to come up with a word to describe childbirth, I would start with the listing under "worst fucking pain known to humanity" in the thesaurus and go from there.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Trouble in Paradis (I'm not missing an "e" it's a play on words a-holes)

According to RadarOnline, Johnny Depp has been meeting with lawyers due to an impending break up with his long-time girlfriend and kids' mother, Vanessa Paradis.

I assumed to keep the unmarveled beauty and talent of Johnny Depp around, you had to be some amazingly hot and heroin-skinny actress/model. Apparently I was wrong, about the whole "amazingly hot" thing. Spot on with the heroin though.

Does she have Dom Perignon and live football coverage leaking out of her vagina because if not, I am seriously confused right now...

Jessica Simpson Doesn't Understand Resolutions

A very pregnant and perpetually pudgy Jessica Simpson took to her Twitter a few days ago and expressed her goal for the new year tweeting:

" New goal: look like @jessicaalba after baby. Job well done lady!"

Jessica Alba humored the mom-to-be responding:

"-OMG! Ur so sweet! Thx hon!"

That's cute. What she doesn't quite realize is that popping out a 10 pound baby does not magically reverse the last 3 years of pizza and ice cream. Maybe next time, Alba can make herself useful and offer some sound dieting advice... or at least smack her everytime she attempts to eat her own baby.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Best anniversary gift ever!

Ashton Kutcher decided the best way to celebrate his 6th wedding anniversary to Demi Moore was to send ehr chocolates sleep with a nightclub whore.

According to Us Magazine, Kutcher allegedly invited Sara Leal and a friend back to his $2500/night hotel suite for a hot tub party and cheated on Demi, who was at home... in the kitchen... knowing her role.

The only surprise here is that it took him 6 whole years before he decided he was sick of the menopause symptoms. Can you even imagine how much this guy must jack off? Somewhere out there, Charlie Sheen is laughing right now. And snorting coke off the hooker he's about to physically abuse... but mostly laughing.