Wednesday, December 15, 2010

The first time in my life I thought smoking pot was kind of... gay.

I really can't put my finger on what it is about Miley Cyrus that's ruining my life, but I'll start with her smoking pot.

1st off- cut the shit Miley, salvia? Really?

2nd- in no way are you cool enough to be smoking anything but a pole. Your dad's pole.

3rd- if there is a santa, you'll be smoking that shit in hell with Billy Mays by New Years.

Merry Xmas!

Zac and Vanessa split over argument about who has better hair

Ok I can't confirm that, you know, because I made it up. But if I had to bet money on the reason these two ended their 3-year relationship, I would bet my life savings on that headline. All 75 dollars of it.

Anyway, their reps say it was amicable; they remain friends... a bunch of other crap that celebrity reps always say.

Let's hope the real reason comes out sooner than later. Because I know I'm not the only one looking at his hair and thinking how awkward it must have been for Vanessa to walk in on him playing tummy sticks with Taylor Lautner.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Jessica Simpson?

Woops, sorry, wrong fatty. Here's Ke$ha thudding around a beach in Australia yesterday. I knew the girl couldn't sing, but she's not even bulimic? What is the world coming to?

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Everyone knows people with brain damage can do whatever they want...

Adding one more step to the 12-step program that is "Becoming Britney Spears", here's Miley Cyrus with Brett Michaels. Hey, no big deal right? Wrong! More like one big jpeg of awesome! Tish Cyrus (Miley's whore of a mother) allegedly had an affair with the brain damaged rocker dying rocker brain damaged rocker, splitting up her marriage to Billy Ray and putting Miley one crotch grab and barefoot gas station trip away from crazy. Well done white trash, well done.

Forget the sexy angel; I'm going as an elephant next year.

To the left we have exhibit A: Amanda Seyfried dressed like a dog because she forgot she's a Hollywood actress and the mainstay rule on Halloween, you're supposed to be a slut.
To the right, exhibit B: Ryan Phillippe driving Seyfried home to presumably have sex with her, we can only hope, in the doggie-style position.

And that's true romance if I've ever seen it. I on the other hand dressed like a complete slut and did not come home with Ryan Phillippe or anyone who even remotely looked good or famous; I stumbled into my apartment with a candy and beer induced tummy ache and what I now believe to be herpes.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Totally getting me in the mood Spencer...

Because I'm in a heinous mood today- I want everyone else to be as well! What better way than to remind everyone that this is still happening, they're still getting attention and everyone else in the world looks at America as a combination of Snookis, Speidis and Kate Gosselins.
France isn't lookin so bad right about now...

Friday, September 17, 2010

Is that the thing from Star Wars?

Oh man, sorry I need new glasses. Anyway, here's Jessica Simpson continuing to clear a path of irrelevancy by eating?
Look I don't know either, I'm just trying to take stabs at why she keeps getting fatter. It's like the 8th wonder of the world.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Like trying to hide a building behind a wetnap

I don't know if you could tell by the infamous meat pouch that takes up the entire picture, but here's Kim Kardashian trying to hide the one thing she's famous for.

No not Ray-J... no not that other black guy... no not a face full of pee- ok trying to hide the other-other thing that made her famous.

I just really like how she uses her one hand to try and hide something the size of ground zero. If anything, she should be happy that the immense size of her ass makes her hand look super skinny. You go girl! I wish my hand was that skinny; what's your secret?

A for Effort?

This week's "How To": Permanently Scarring Your Children

Famous boxer, Floyd Mayweather, was arrested and charged with grand larceny (please continue reading and then explain to me what larceny has to do with anything) in an incident involving the mother of his 3 children.

Allegedly, Mayweather showed up early in the day inquiring about 30-year old Josie Harris' new boyfriend. When she refused to answer questions, Mayweather left only to return late that evening with a friend.

Harris says after waking her, he pulled her to the ground by her hair and punched her repeatedly in the back of the head. Two of the 3 children watched as Mayweather beat Harris and twisted her arm behind her back in an attaempt to break it. Mayweather allegedly told the children that if anyone ran or tried to call police, he would do that same to them.

Harris' 10 year old son ran to the back of the house to a separate building where a friend of Harris stays and the woman then called police, who arrived after Mayweather had already fled the scene (note- the kid has not been beaten to a pulp yet so Mayweather clearly does not stand by his threats... pussy).

The 33-year old former boxer was released on $3,000 bail and has not been charged with any domestic battery as of yet.

Evidently, someone forgot to tell Mayweather that this is a mugshot for beating a woman in front of her children, and not a damn photo shoot. I'm pretty sure after your arrest and fingerprinting, the cop doesn't yell "cheese!" when he takes the picture. Although I wouldn't know; if you want factual information go ask Lindsay Lohan and stop reading blogs as your source of news.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Geez, it's not like you have to watch it dad!

Laurence Fishburne's daughter, Montana, finally spoke to her famous dad for the first time on Monday since her X-rated debut in porn.
Daddy dearest isn't taking the career move lightly stating "I'm not going to speak with you 'till you turn your life around. You embarrassed me."
This is about the smartest 18 year old I know. I'm guessing she thought they'd chat about Vivid's newest XXX video over dinner and then maybe watch it together for some quality father-daughter bonding time. Because evidently she mistook him for John Phillips.
I don't know what Laurence is up in arms about anyway; it's not like she was dumb enough to use her real last name. Oh wait...

Monday, August 16, 2010

My career isn't quite shitty enough... pot anyone?

Here's Mischa Barton smokin some pot on a yacht in St. Tropez. This picture confused me for a number of reasons:
1. If pot gives you the munchies, why isn't she in the Sarah Silverman/Jessica Simpson club yet?
2. Am I high on pot? Because I can't remember the last time this bitch did anything relevant.
3. Who is letting this has-been on their yacht and giving her drugs? She's gotta be broke by now.
So many unanswered questions- on the upside, she has become the new spokesperson for those above the infuence commercials. I officially will not smoke pot for fear that all those people are right and it's a gateway drug to becoming Lindsay Lohan.

At least Jessica Simpson has a cute face

Here's not-so-funny girl Sarah Silverman filming a new movie in Toronto and looking a bit... yeahhh.

Most actresses, knowing they'll be filming a role in a bathing suit, would live on a diet of cigarettes and coffee for 2 months. I guess we should praise Sarah Silverman for going against the norm and letting women everywhere know that you don't have to be a size 2 to be beautiful.

Ha! Seriously, someone get this bitch some caffeine and newports before they film any nude scenes and our eyes are permanently scarred.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

This just in... about a week ago because my life is more important than this shit.

And in world news, cocaine and adderol sales have plummeted unexpectedly in Los Angeles, California this week-

Whether you care or not (I'm going on a whim here and saying not) we all know that Lindsay was sentenced to a 90-day jail stay starting on July 20, 2010 as the result of 2 DUIs, excessive partying and violation of probation as well as setting off her very fashionable ankle bracelet during her stay at Cannes Film Festival.

Turns out, this spoiled ass will actually serve approximately 12-15 days in jail due to overcrowding.

I just hope she gets butt-fucked before then. Actually, that's no different from her usual Saturday night so... shit... I don't even know. Did they at least take away her duck-lip plumper and blackberry? Because that's justice.

Guess that... wait, is that a body part or a field of dead grass?

I've said it before and I'll say it agin... this bitch is rich! Like Charlie Murphy, Rick James, Dave Chappelle "I'm Rich Bitch!"

Britney Spears ventured out again looking like a white version of Harrisburg's mayor... only more ghetto if that's possible.

The only thing I can blame it on is the fact that she has children... which studies show can increase the chances of crazy and hair pulling by approximately 97% each month. It's science people; the spawn of Britney upskirt-vagina makes you go bat-shit crazy.

That or the fact the Kevin Federline swallowed an elephant a year ago and is still in better shape than you.

Eat that Paris Hilton... no seriously- eat something.

I'm really not sure if there's such a thing as a "classy" upskirt, but if there is Jennifer Aniston just succeeded in humiliating Britney and Paris in one fell swoop. Here she is getting out of... well some car somewhere- I'm not really concerned with the factual details.

Let's just thank our lucky stars that in the phenomena of upskirts, there are still vaginas hanging out that haven't been infested with every STD and piece of fried chicken known to man.

Thanks Jen- the only people you're not impressing right now are Brad and Angelina. Talk about that on the cover of People magazine... or off yourself, either one.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Ode to Gay Face

I'm a little under the weather today so rather than use my superior wit and amazing sense of humor, I'll take the easy way out and provide my whopping 8 readers with a montage of some of the best gay/straight faces in Hollywood today... enjoy!

Spencer Pratt: Single & Ready to Mingle

Heidi has filed for separation from her long-time boyfriend/husband/captor Spencer Pratt. And while the whole thing is really just a stunt to promote some sad excuse for a reality show that will definitely be picked up be E! I'll play into the bs for the sake of blogging.

Look, I'm not a fan of devil albino ginger beard any more than you are. But I always kind of felt like Heidi and Spencer were a package deal. Besides, without him, who will move Heidi's eyebrows up and down to give her some semblance of facial expression?

It's like that movie twins!

I would have yelled for Paris to watch out... but to be honest it would be my dream come true to wake up and find that Snooki showed up to an awards show hungry and ate paris Hilton, then died from herpes-like food poisoning.

Evidently, my hopes and dreams will again go unrealized since rumor has it these two became friends after meeting at Sunday's MTV Movie Awards.

It makes sense though, now that Nicole Ritchie got skinny and stopped being a drunken whore with bad hair, Paris needed a new BFF to make her look skinny and slightly less infected.

Does the word slut only apply after the age of 18?

After receiving some criticism over a risque performance in London, Miley Cyrus took to her blog:

"I had such a blast and was so honored to be on that stage. That being said during my performance I supposedly “KISSED A GIRL” and this is the newest thing to cause controversy. I promise you I did not kiss her and it is ridiculous that two entertainers cant even rock out with each other without the media making it some type of story. I really hope my fans are not disappointed in me because the truth is I did nothing wrong. I got up there and did my job which is to perform to the best of my ability. I just want to put an end to this right now and just say one thing to everyone out there making this performance such a big deal.GET OVER IT! NOTHING HAPPENED. THERE ARE WAYYYYYYY MORE IMPORTANTTHINGS IN THE WORLD. Lets start focusing a little less on making up ignorant rumors and focus a little more on world peace! We gotta a lot of work to do if we wan this earth to be here much longer. Lets make a change! It wouldn’t hurt the world to show a little more love."

I feel like I need to blame Billy Ray for this blog post just as much as I blame him for the whore that popped out of his wife's vagina. Because when you're faced with bad press... Americans just wanna hear you spout off some crap about Wal-mart or world peace... works everytime. It's like she just transformed into an angel with rollback prices!

Friday, May 7, 2010

Jessica Simpson eats the First Lady!!!

Oops, did I say eats? I meant admires... she admires the First Lady.

Here's the walking pile of chicken tuna herself, attending the White House Correspondents' Dinner. Why you ask? I have no effing clue, ask our dumb-dick President why the spokesperson of stupid was invited.

At the dinner Jessica raved about Michelle Obama stating "I really do (admire her)." "She's such an incredible woman, and she's with such a powerful man".

Thank you for pointing out the obvious Ms. Simpson; oh, and for making young girls believe if they just marry power, they can be looked up to by fat D-list celebrities too.

God I love America.

The most unexpected and inconceivable story ever told... EVER!

I know this is shocking as hell guys but just bear with me because I'm totally not making this up... Kendra, blonde former Playboy Playmate, has... a sex tape.

I know, I know, it does not make any sense that a woman, who spent the past few years gaining fame by sticking old wrinkly balls in her mouth and saying stupid shit on tv, would even make a raunchy video recording of sexual acts. But it's true.

And while Kendra claims to be "devastated" and "humiliated" by the tape, according to sources:

"Documents acquired by confirm that the Playboy pinup was in the process of releasing the tapes herself over a year and a half ago! According to the documents, a company (which Wilkinson would own and control) would be
formed and Wilkinson's team would shop the tape around soliciting offers. Wilkinson would also be able to mandate how the tape would be edited before it was sent to potential buyers."

While this will definitely put the newly chubby Kendra back in the spotlight and boost ratings on her horrible reality show... I'm not even going to pretend that this was her idea. Come on, we're talking about a woman who's about a step above Jessica Simpson in the smarts department... and that's not saying much.

All I have to say is thank God she made the tape before giving birth, because you can't even try to pretend like after you pop a child out, men's penises do a double take anymore.

Men in bikinis... it's all the rage

Actually, that guy's not half ba-- Oh My God!

Here's Brooke Hogan giving surf lessons last Saturday. I just don't understand why a woman who's the splitting image of a balding WWF wrestler would want to show it off in skimpy swim suits.

I'm no Einstein, but I'm pretty sure this picture defies some kind of science.

She kissed a girl and she liked- wait, how is this different from any other day?

Here's MTV Jersey Shore's Snooki and J-Woww doing what they do best down in Miami... parading around like effing whores and getting paid for it.

How do I get this job by the way?

Thursday, April 8, 2010

She's awkwardly tall; don't you think?

I could say so many things right now...

According to, there were rumors in May of Bam Margera and wife, Missy, filing for divorce, while Kat Von D was dating Motley Crue's Nikki Sixx just months ago. Yet, here they are leaving a Los Angeles night club.

I don't care that these 2 are dating; they're just the right amount of cool and ugly for each other. What I like about this photo is that Bam and I make the same face when we look at her hair.

Just one more reason to hate the Jersey Shore

According to, here's Jersey Shore's Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi waddling around Miami Beach in her $350 Jason Burke sunglasses. Not only does this make me want to starve myself then become an ex-patriot, but it should make everyone in Jersey want to off themselves. Even though they should have done it already for so many other reasons...

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Dammit- now we have to hide our porn stars, waitresses AND daughters...

In a story that is almost as shocking as Ricky Martin's love of penis, RadarOnline is claiming that Tiger Woods also slept with his neighbor's 21-year old daughter:

"Coudriet is now 22 and recently confronted Tiger when all his mistresses were revealed because she was furious she was just another conquest, according to the new issue of the National Enquirer.
The Enquirer says that Tiger and Raychel began making out within sight of his house while Elin was home. They then had sex in a private office Tiger keeps nearby."

Recap: Tiger married to supermodel; they have child; meaning they have sex; 21-year old whore neighbor has sex with married Tiger; furious he has sex with other women.

And that my friends, is why Ricky turned to men. And you thought this was a story about Tiger... I just M. Night Shyamalan twisted the shit out of this post! In your face!

Who would you rather- Jon Gosselin or Michael Lohan?

Wrong! Ex-Jon Gosselin slop-whore, Kate Major, who actually quit her job with Star magazine in order to screw herself to the top... just screwed herself, period.

I know 8 stepkids sounded like a bit much but being engaged to a Lohan is pretty much the same thing... except it's like all 8 of them are wasted all the time and one records all of your conversations for his twitter.

My favorite part of all this douchebagginess is Lindsay's reaction of course. According to, when they broke the news to Lindsay Lohan, she replied:

"I'm gonna vomit. I so didn't need that info...Yuck!"

Unfortunately for UsWeekly's source, Lindsay wasn't referring to the "breaking story"; that vomit feeling just comes naturally after her lunch of cocaine and vodka.

I guess she's off the coke?

Didn't this chick used to be skinny?
Yep, I thought so. Here's Mushy-ass Barton who used to be on the OC but who now just looks like a pudgy Lindsay Lohan with less fashion sense. Just proof that rehab isn't always the answer.
That being said, she's probably on suicide watch right about now.
Because Mischa Barton reads my blog... like everyday!

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Did Starbucks run out of coffee? It's my only explanation...

Here's the Britney we know and love i.e. bat-shit crazy Britney, shopping in L.A.

I have no real reason for posting this picture except to say, Jesus fucking Christ! Are you not rich? Do you not have stylists? Brush your damn hair and wear real clothes. You look like a 27-year old cabbage patch doll.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Kids do the darndest things

By now we all know the controversy surrounding Jermaine Jackson's son, Jaafar, shooting one of Michael's sons with a stun gun... which was probably well deserved (just throwin it out there).

Turns out this isn't Jaafar's first run in with gun controversy. According to reports, has a home video showcasing the lil man's love for violence:

"The scene -- which appears to have been shot several months ago -- begins with Jaafar barging into Jermajesty's room, Airsoft gun drawn, and then ordering his little brother to get on the ground. Jaafar pushes Jermajesty to the ground, pretends to pistol-whip him, handcuffs him and then gives the youngster an incomplete version of his Miranda rights."

"Jaafar then tells his brother, "Don't move or I'll bust your head open."Jaafar then cocks the gun, points it to Jermajesty's head, pulls the trigger and you hear the click. Jermajesty plays dead and Jaafar drags him by the leg out of the room."

This kid is obviously the biggest namist on the face of the Earth (if there is such a thing). He likes shooting at kids with pussy names like "Jermajesty" and "Blanket", pretty badass if you ask me. I can only hope Jaafar gets a taser for his birthday and heads straight for Brad and Angelina's house.

Adam Sandler has really hit a slump

Here's Heidi Montag making a cameo in the Adam Sandler movie "Just Go With It" on Monday.

I know this because the dumb whore serious actress had it plastered all over her twitter:

"I just had THE BEST day of my life filming my first comedy movie!!!!! It was beyond what I could have ever dreamed!!!!!"

"I am wearing my sailor shorts I designed in the movie!!!"

"I LOVE Adam Sandler!!"

And just in case you missed it, don't worry; her new manager, Aiden Chase, has it covered:

"Heidi's dreams are big. She believes them, and I believe them."
I really thought after she fired devil ginger-beard as manager, she'd have a heck of a time finding representation who could market a man-chinned recyclable; well done Chase.

But I have to ask, what the hell is this movie about? Because unless it's a sequel to "Mannequin", except this time Adam Sandler falls for a plastic tranny until one of the boobs deflate, I just can't put 2 and 2 together.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

It doesn't take an autopsy to know this one

Since a celebrity death is now a special occasion for everyone to get the rest of those 15 minutes in, according to E! News:

"After being introduced by Corey Feldman shortly before Haim died, he began dating 27-year-old Daisy de la Hoya, the star of VH1 reality show Daisy of Love...
"I'm sooooooo devastated right now," de la Hoya tweeted this morning. "This is the worst day ever I can't believe this.
"The romance between the two was very new. "Daisy loved The Lost Boys, and she always had a crush on Corey," a source close to De la Hoya tells us. "Their first official date was two weeks ago, but they'd been hanging out a little while before that."

So it wasn't a drug overdose afterall; it was spontaneous penis combustion. You can now rest in peace Cory, I'm pretty sure they don't have STDs in heaven.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Life's full of regrets Barbie...

Back in the day, Ricky "Shake Your Bon-Bon" Martin had a budding musical career. And then that old bitch Barbara Walters came along.

According to, Barbie recently admitted the infamous interview with Ricky in 2000 was one of her only regrets:

"In 2000, I pushed Ricky Martin very hard to admit if he was gay or not, and the way he refused to do it made everyone decide that he was. A lot of people say that destroyed his career, and when I think back on it now I feel it was an inappropriate question."

Really Barbara? I guess after writing that book of memoirs detailing your disgustingly wrinkly sex life, you felt that all the readers had enough regret to make up for your lack there of.

Besides, you really think you outted Ricky Martin? Don't flatter yourself; he was in Menudo.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

What exactly do Manhattan police uniforms look like these days?

R&B singer, D'Angelo, was arrested yesterday morning around 2 a.m. in the West Village of Manhattan after mistaking a female police officer for a prostitute.
The singer offered the police officer $40 for oral sex, which resulted in his arrest and a search of his car.
The best part- inside the car she found over $12,000.
I didn't even know he was Jewish!

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Do you think when he looks down he can even see it?

Playgirl magazine has reportedly talked about offering Jon Gosselin $20,000 to pose naked for a shoot. To be fair, they didn't try to trick anyone into thinking it would actually be sexy. According to Life & Style, a rep for the magazine states:

"[The shoot would be] more of a novelty than an actual sexy shoot. We discussed it, and we'd offer him only $20,000. His star is extinguishing and he's not very [well endowed]."

According to ex, Hailey Glassman, that's about $10,000 an inch. Ouch. I'm surprised they'd offer him anything. There's nothing sexy about a fat asian rolling around on a bearskin rug while playing with a bluetooth that makes his penis look like a paper clip in comparison.

I would normally insert Kate Gosselin marriage joke here, but it's unfair to Jon that all he had to work with was a baby dick and a cavernous hole that swallows whole cars.

Close God... but no cigar

Because that hair bump is like its own force field, Snooki survived the roof collapsing at Purim nightclub last week. According to E! News:

"Its okay Vin and I are still alive. Omg roof just collapsed at the purim event!," Snooki tweeted throughout the commotion. "We thought the dj was beatin the beat hardcore but nope,the roof couldn't handle snooki and vin."Luckily, only a few clubgoers suffered minor injuries, while the majority fist pumped late into the night--Sex and the City's Chris Noth included

Yes Snooki, it wasn't God trying to make up for everything that's wrong with the world, it was just the dj beatin that beat. I'm not surprised though, if she hasn't died yet from the combination of skin cancer, stds and surviving on nothing but mozzerella cheese, she might be invincible.

I now have a reason to go to Barnes & Noble... besides making fun of the people

The walking pile of cocaine and crazy herself, Lindsay Lohan, has finally decided to give us something deeper and more profound than half lesbian twittering. According to E! News:
"I write a lot and it's very therapeutic for me because then I can see what's happening on paper," she tells Britain's OK! magazine. "I've started writing a book. It's going to take a while, all my life experiences. I started writing it a year ago. There's a lot to put down, you know?"

Yes Lindsay, we know there's so much you need to teach the world. Let me save you the time and effort and tell you what the book will look like: 200 blank pages with a little cocaine residue in the cracks, followed by a stick figure picture and her name signed in crayon.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

I don't care about your hair, you had sex with Jon Gosselin.

Guess what kids, no Santa Claus next year...

After divorcing the shit out of some fat Asian, Kate Gosselin is putting that child support to great use. Here she is sporting $7,000 worth of hair extensions after telling People magazine she wanted a new look to start off a new year.

In related news, Kate still has a vagina the size of Texas. Dig in boys!

It takes a lot of money to look that trashy

Heidi and Spencer have finally stopped doing stupid shit all day everyday, so they really needed to pull something out of their asses to get those last few minutes in... ta daaa! Heidi's addicted to plastic surgery.

In the new issue of People, Heidi admits that since November 20th, she's undergone 10 different procedures including breast implants, a nose job, and getting her tranny chin shaved down.

The sad part is she could have saved a lot of money trying to trick us into thinking she's a woman by just not marrying Spencer. He's definitely on the receiving end...

This is what happens when some women get dumped... thank God I'm not one of them

It's officially been 7 months since Tony Romo ended his relationship with Jessica Simpson... so can someone explain to me why she still looks like she's hoovering chocolate every night and crying over Lifetime movies?

It was Tony Romo, not Brad Pitt... someone get the girl some sleeping pills and a bottle of vodka already.

It'll put us both out of our misery.