Cheater doesn't wrap his Peter

While the slew of fame-whores come out of the Woods work, including porn star Holly Sampson (photo), we're learning a lot about Tiger's sexual habits... namely the trashier the better, and no condoms needed of course!

According to US Magazine:

" 'He didn't use a condom,' says Grubbs, who adds that Woods also didn't ask if she was on birth control, either. 'It wasn't even discussed. He just never used one.' Apparently, he also didn't use condoms while bedding 33-year-old restaurant manager Mindy Lawton, according to Lawton's sister, Lynn. 'She said he never wore condoms,' Lynn told British tabloid, News of the World. 'I was so worried she might catch a disease, especially as we suspected he was promiscuous.' "

I'm guessing Elin didn't know about this when she left, taking a crappy pre-nup and vaginal warts with her. You know, $80 million doesn't buy happiness, but it would buy a lifetime's supply of Valtrex... your fault.

"Golf is a game where white men dress as black pimps" -Tiger Woods

Grrr... well said Tiger. But I guess in your case it's black men dressed as... well, black men who act white and actually think the women they bang on the side aren't in it for the money. Zing!

Let's have a short recap- Waitress bangs Tiger. Tiger gets caught. Wife beats Tiger with 9-iron. Tiger runs like little panzy. Tiger crashes car into tree as wife smashes in rear windows. Police say everything's A-OK!

While Woods originally denied affair rumors, he seemed to change his story, eventually apologizing for his "transgressions" and for bringing shame to his family.

Now that that's out of the way, we get down to the fun part, and by fun part I mean hush money! Rachel Uchitel, the mistress, was set to have a press conference today where she would allegedly confirm the affair reports. Unfortunately for us, it was cancelled according to RadarOnline:

"Tiger's people are desperate to keep Rachel from talking about Tiger and that they were willing to go a long, long way to keep her silent.One source claimed that Rachel was negotiating a $1 million payoff by Tiger's people to remain silent. When asked about this, Gloria Allred told RadarOnline.com, "no comment."

While Rachel's making bank from being a slut, Elin Woods is getting a nice payoff as well. According to YourCelebrityStuff.com, Elin will receive $5 million immediately, followed by 5 payments equaling a total of $75 million over the next 7 years, provided she stay married to the golfer as well as play the role of loving and dutiful wife for the press.

So yesterday I felt a little bad for her, but not only is she a Swedish model, but all she has to do is pretend she's having sex with a very white black man for a few years and she has enough money to buy Starbucks and lock Britney out. It's like she won the lottery, lucky bitch.

Happy Birthday Crazy!

Our favorite nut case turned 28 yesterday. Brit celebrated with boyfriend (i.e. guy who won't marry her for fear of turning into K-Fed) Jason Trawick at the Chateau Marmont in Hollywood.

In celebration of her even making it to 28 without losing one of her children, putting Starbucks out of business or eating her own hair extentions (in public)... let's look back at the old Britney Spears we know and love.

Video: YouTube Pic: Hollywood Grind

What the Helen happened?

Here's "Twister" star Helen Hunt looking a bit dishevelled these days, but I guess that's expected seeing as how her last big movie is 13 years old! Was it really that long ago?

Look on the bright side Helen; nobody cares that your career is in the shitter when you look like the walking dead. Just ask Madonna.

The woman slowly becoming my replacement for Heidi and Spencer

Carrie Prejean's sex tape scandal seems like it will never end... at least until she sells a few copies of her book that is.

But here to defend his sister, his family, and his honor- Billy Prejean everybody:

"It was from a cell phone, it was supposed to be totally confidential. I think people should move on."
Still, even he admits that he would watch the tapes if they were published: "If they were put in front of me I'd probably watch it." (RadarOnline)

Oh my God, go back to Kentucky.

Do we really need more reasons to hate Miley?

Early this morning just outside Richmond, VA, one of Miley Cyrus' tour busses flipped over leaving the driver dead and a crew member injured. The AP reports:

"Sgt. Thomas Molnar said the bus overturned around 8:15 a.m. about 40 miles (65 kilometers) south of Richmond. One of the other nine passengers had minor injuries. Police would not identify those aboard. A wrecker arrived late Friday morning to haul away the black-and-maroon luxury tour bus, which was on its side in a ditch off the highway where it had apparently skidded for several hundred feet. According to Miley Cyrus' Web site, the pop singer is scheduled to perform Sunday in Greensboro, North Carolina."

My condolences to the driver's family.

Even more unfortunate: Miley was not on the bus.

Back to the drawing board...

What's so funny you ask? Rape!

Actress Sofia Vergara (yeah, I don't know either) stopped by The View yesterday to bring a little comic relief to the ladies... in the form of rape jokes of course!

When asked how she (now 37) pulled off having a son who's only 18, she replies saying she was raped... and proceeds to awkwardly laugh. What's one better? The rest of the ladies laugh along with her and continue the conversation as if it never happened. The only one who looks even slightly uncomfortable is Whoopi... but come on Whoopi, she probably isn't talking about "rape rape" right?

Maybe we should ask Roman Polanski his opinion.

Thanks TMZ for the vid.