Beyonce birthed something- someone give her a cookie

This past Saturday night, Jay-Z and Beyonce welcomed their first child, daughter, Blue Ivy Carter.

Rumors surfaced immediately after that Blue Ivy was helped along with a C-section, but according to TMZ, Jay and B released a statement assuring that the baby was born naturally "at a healthy 7 lbs and it was the best experience of both of our lives."

They also decided to add in that "her birth was emotional and extremely peaceful, we are in heaven."

Wait, peaceful? That's the word you chose to describe pushing a 7-pound object "naturally" out of your vag? I scraped my knee yesterday and there was nothing "peaceful" about it- it hurt like a bitch. If I had to come up with a word to describe childbirth, I would start with the listing under "worst fucking pain known to humanity" in the thesaurus and go from there.

Trouble in Paradis (I'm not missing an "e" it's a play on words a-holes)

According to RadarOnline, Johnny Depp has been meeting with lawyers due to an impending break up with his long-time girlfriend and kids' mother, Vanessa Paradis.

I assumed to keep the unmarveled beauty and talent of Johnny Depp around, you had to be some amazingly hot and heroin-skinny actress/model. Apparently I was wrong, about the whole "amazingly hot" thing. Spot on with the heroin though.

Does she have Dom Perignon and live football coverage leaking out of her vagina because if not, I am seriously confused right now...

Jessica Simpson Doesn't Understand Resolutions

A very pregnant and perpetually pudgy Jessica Simpson took to her Twitter a few days ago and expressed her goal for the new year tweeting:

" New goal: look like @jessicaalba after baby. Job well done lady!"

Jessica Alba humored the mom-to-be responding:

"-OMG! Ur so sweet! Thx hon!"

That's cute. What she doesn't quite realize is that popping out a 10 pound baby does not magically reverse the last 3 years of pizza and ice cream. Maybe next time, Alba can make herself useful and offer some sound dieting advice... or at least smack her everytime she attempts to eat her own baby.

Best anniversary gift ever!

Ashton Kutcher decided the best way to celebrate his 6th wedding anniversary to Demi Moore was to send ehr chocolates sleep with a nightclub whore.

According to Us Magazine, Kutcher allegedly invited Sara Leal and a friend back to his $2500/night hotel suite for a hot tub party and cheated on Demi, who was at home... in the kitchen... knowing her role.

The only surprise here is that it took him 6 whole years before he decided he was sick of the menopause symptoms. Can you even imagine how much this guy must jack off? Somewhere out there, Charlie Sheen is laughing right now. And snorting coke off the hooker he's about to physically abuse... but mostly laughing.

She ate a baby?!? Oh wait, no, she's pregnant. Sorry about that.

Jessica Simpson and her father Joe are in negotiations with a number of tabloids, including People magazine, over who gets to release the announcement of her pregnancy to fiance Eric Johnson. According to TheSuperficial.com, the star is reportedly asking for a $500,000 deal to announce the pregnancy and eventually the first baby photos.

Maybe it's just me but isn't $500,000 a little much to announce what everyone already knows- you're fat? If Jess wants to be shopping around for a $500,000 deal, maybe she should pitch something like "Jessica Simpson vows not to eat for 3 hours." Well, nevermind, you don't get the money if you can't actually keep from eating so, yeah...

Climbing up the bestseller's list one dumb American at a time...

Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian made an appearance in Santa Monica, California on Tuesday during a signing of their new book "Kardashian Konfidential."

I'm pretty sure there isn't much "konfidential" information in there. Having abnormally sized asses; eating ridiculously large meals while press pushing the idea that you're on a diet; staying with your douchebag baby daddy for a show; marrying the only man taller than you, a black basketball player; wanting to commit suicide everytime you look at your more attractive sister; not thinking of the pee soaked sex tape idea first... did I cover all of the chapter titles?

You look... different.

Here's Kelly Ripa walking in New York last week looking... fucking hideous? Is that accurate enough? I mean I just can't put it nicely... she looks like hell.

It's now been proven, that the camera does not add 10 lbs; it adds 10 lbs, hair conditioning treatment, a face lift, root touch-up, different shaped lips, eyebrows and all in all just makes you... John Travolta.